Murder in Gatlinburg Read online

  Frank hadn’t told me anything about the trip, only that we would be gone a week, and that the trip was to the Gatlinburg area, a place I hadn’t been. Actually, most places are places where I have never been. I remembered that over the years I had heard some people mention going to Gatlinburg for the weekend or on vacation, but since I never planned to go there I didn’t try to remember anything they said about the trip. I just listened enough to be polite.

  Even though I planned to look over our itinerary comfortably, I dumped everything out on the dining room table. Then I fished through it until I found a few pages where the first page had Itinerary written at the top. I plucked it from the table, got myself a glass of water, headed to my comfy chair, got comfortable, and read.

  Thank you for traveling with One Guy with an Old Bus Tours. In case you haven’t traveled with us before, let us welcome you. If you have by some chance traveled with us before, and are willing to risk it again and are not part of the sanitarium group, I want to share some good news with you. Our percentage of breakdowns is now down to only forty-seven percent of our trips. That’s a decrease of fourteen percent in one year. That means that the odds are slightly in your favor that the bus will arrive at your destination before it breaks down. And, if by some chance it breaks down on your way to your destination, the odds are good that it will not happen again on the way back. We want to let you know ahead of time that we had to cut back on some amenities when choosing a used bus, and I regret that we have to inform you that the bus does not include facilities. However, it takes only twelve hours on back roads to reach your destination, and we will stop three times. One of our stops will include facilities. Should we break down on the way, you will receive one extra stop at no charge. Please arrive early because we hope to leave on time, and it is best to sit in the front of the bus. The lack of funds to buy a muffler after the other one fell off makes it harder to hear your seatmate if you sit in the back. Also, we will not be getting new shock absorbers until August. Besides, when we arrive at our destination, those who sit closer to the door stand the better chance of selecting a teepee with a flap that closes, but for those of you who are not so fortunate, you will be closer to the porta-potty. Once again, thank you for choosing One Guy with an Old Bus, and if you have any questions, please write them down and ask us shortly after we take off.

  I had barely finished reading the page when the phone rang.

  “Have you read the itinerary George gave us?”

  “You mean the one George must have written himself after he read the real one?”

  “George can write now?”

  “Okay, maybe he dictated it.”

  “So, where is the real one?”

  “I have no idea. Did you look all the way through the stuff he gave us?”

  “I did and it’s not there.”

  “While we wait on George to send us the real one, we can spend our time figuring out how to get even with him when we get back from this trip.”

  "I can think of some ways of getting even, but most of my ideas might include incarceration."

  "For him or for us?"

  "Us."

  "Do you mean 'house arrest'?"

  "No. Probably solitary confinement of a different kind."

  Lou and I finished our conversation and hung up. A couple of seconds later the phone rang again.

  “Did you have a chance to look over your itinerary yet?”

  “You mean the one from your next vacation?”

  George laughed.

  “I’ve got to have a little fun. I'm going to miss those occasions when I've gotten to have fun at your expense."

  "Just in case you'd like to continue them, I can give you my next-door neighbor's phone number."

  "I know she only has eyes for you, Cy. Oh, by the way, in case you're interested, the real itinerary is in your back door.”

  “And where is Lou’s? He doesn’t have a back door.”

  “I know. I left before you did tonight and sneaked over and stuck it under the windshield wiper on his car.”

  “You do anything to his car and your number is up. Say, when did you say that you are retiring?”

  “Oh, didn’t you hear? I'm not sure of the exact date, but it's one of the days when you and Lou are away on your trip.”

  I laughed, hung up the phone again, and headed off to the back door to see what I would find. After I scanned the material to make sure it looked legitimate, I called Lou to let him know where he would find the real thing, then went to read my copy.

  4

  Thank you for traveling with Kentucky and Beyond Tours. In case you have not traveled with us before, let us let you know that K.B.T. is statewide, and has a sterling reputation. We deal only in bus tours, and we feel that we are the best at what we do. If you have any questions after reading the itinerary, don’t hesitate to call our 1-800 number.

  Itinerary

  Friday

  You will be leaving on Friday of Memorial Day weekend. The Pigeon Forge-Gatlinburg area is a prime destination for people on this particular weekend, and those who arrive during the late afternoon or evening hours are likely to encounter heavy traffic which may mean taking as much as two hours to travel from Sevierville to Gatlinburg, a distance of only a few miles. For that reason, your bus will arrive at the Marriott on Newtown Pike in Lexington, Kentucky around 5:30 a.m., at which time the driver will store your luggage and allow you to board the bus. The bus will pull out sometime between 6:00-6:15, so allow yourselves some extra travel time if you live outside of Lexington, so that you do not miss the bus.

  Depending on traffic, we should arrive in Sevierville, Tennessee around 9:30, where we will stop at the well-known Applewood Farmhouse, part of the Apple Barn Complex, for breakfast. The restaurant is well known for its apple fritters with apple butter, as well as many choices for your meal. This meal is included in the cost of your tour. Feel free to order any entrée of your choice. We will spend approximately an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes at this stop. Those who finish early and want to shop may do so. Not only will the Applewood Farmhouse be our first stop on your trip, but it will be your last stop before returning home the following Friday. Because most people prefer to shop at the end of their vacation rather than at the beginning, we will allow you more time on the return trip, in case you want to tour the cider mill, winery, or candy shop to pick up a few delicacies to bring home.

  Upon returning to the bus on the first Friday, you will find that your ride will be mere minutes, because the first attraction you will visit is a partial replica of the Titanic, located on the Sevierville side of Pigeon Forge. Upon arriving, at the Titanic attraction, you will be given a card identifying you as one of the real ship’s passengers. At the end of your tour, which is self-guided and should take an hour and a half to two hours, you will learn the fate of that passenger. Be sure and look for references about that passenger along the tour route. Yes, everyone knows the Titanic sank, but there were many survivors from that voyage, just not enough. Incidentally, included in your visit there are headphones that will describe each part of the ship as you come to it. Normally, the headphones are an additional fee, but we include those in the cost of your trip.

  Because you will be having a late breakfast, there will also be a stop for a late lunch, for those who are interested. We will be stopping at Mel’s Diner, a diner with a 1950s look, where you can listen to the music played on the jukebox, and eat a burger or some other type of sandwich. And, if you wish, you can top it off with a banana split piled high with ice cream, syrup, and whipped cream.

  After leaving the diner, we will head to Westgate resort, located just off the beaten path on the Pigeon Forge side of Gatlinburg, on the edge of the mountains. Upon arriving, you will check in, and each of you will be shown to your rooms by your own concierge. Each person’s accommodations should be similar, as all of you are staying in what Westgate calls a one-bedroom deluxe. None of you will be sharing rooms with anyone, unless you requested i
t ahead of time. Your accommodations include a bedroom with a king-size bed and a ceiling fan and lots of places to store your belongings. It also has a living room with a leather couch and chair, a TV, a fireplace, and a vaulted ceiling. A balcony all your own can be accessed by either a door in the living room or one in the bedroom. You will also have a kitchen with appliances, and a dining room. You will have access to a washer and dryer that you will share with only one other guest. You can reach these appliances without going outside. Our people have stayed at Westgate before and have always enjoyed the experience. In case you wish to return to Westgate each subsequent year on your own, you can take a tour of the grounds , and see a presentation of what buying a time-share at Westgate entails. There will be no pressure to purchase.

  After you arrive on Friday, you will be given some time to enjoy your accommodations before reboarding the bus at 6:30 to travel three or so miles to Pigeon Forge, to the Dixie Stampede. You will find Dolly Parton’s name on many places in Pigeon Forge, and the Dixie Stampede is one of them. Once there, you can shop in the gift shop as you wait to enter the theater where you will enjoy the pre-show. There you can order refreshments. Your package includes one non-alcoholic drink, served in a boot. Popcorn, nachos, etc, are extra. This show lasts approximately thirty minutes and features bluegrass musicians. Everything at Dixie Stampede happens on a schedule, and your show will be the second of two shows that evening. Your time at the main event in an oval-shaped arena will include dinner and a show where men and women perform on horseback while you eat. What the show does not include is utensils with which to eat. You will be served everything from soup to chicken to dessert, and if anyone cannot determine how to eat soup and dessert without using utensils, you are allowed to see how others do it. At the end of the show, we will allow you a few minutes in the gift shop before boarding the bus and taking you back to Westgate. When you arrive at Westgate, a shuttle will take each of you to within a short walking distance of your accommodations. The resort has plenty of security. Everyone should be safe there.

  5

  Whew! Finally I had finished reading about day one of our upcoming trip. It sounded like it might be fun, but it took almost as long to read about it as it would be to live it. I flipped through the rest of the sheets and picked out the highlights of what we would be doing. From what I could ascertain from my limited knowledge of the area and merely scanning the rest of our itinerary, it sounded like our vacation would include a variety of attractions. At least I assume that Dollywood in no way resembles the Greater Smoky Mountains National Park, both places we were to visit.

  I contemplated whether to read more. Would it be better to learn about everything ahead of time, or wait until the trip and be surprised? I wasn’t sure. I could see advantages to both approaches.

  While I thought about it, I put down the itinerary, walked over to the phone, and dialed.

  “Hey, Lou! Have you read our itinerary?”

  “Just the part that said, ‘Call me Ishmael.’”

  “So you thought it was a little long, too?”

  “Well, I thought the part about how to find the bathroom wasn’t needed.”

  “So, do you plan to read it all ahead of time, or just experience it?”

  “Maybe somewhere in between. I might check with people I know who have been to Gatlinburg and ask them what we might need to know before we go.”

  “That won’t work.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because everyone you know is a cop. We can’t trust any of those guys.”

  Lou laughed.

  “Not even Heather?”

  “Heather I would trust, but has she been to Gatlinburg?”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Well, I can ask people at church.”

  “That won’t work, either.”

  “Why not? You don’t trust them, either.”

  “I can see it now. Hi, I’m Lou Murdock. I’ve been sitting in the pew behind you for the last ten years, so I feel like I know you, even though I don’t know your name. Besides, I think we might have smiled at each other once. Have you ever been to Gatlinburg?”

  “You know we know some people there. Maybe we haven’t socialized with any of them, but now that we’re retiring maybe we can start doing that.”

  “It’s funny you mentioned that. I’ve been thinking about trying some new things.”

  “Yeah, you already mentioned zip lining.”

  “But did I mention that you would be the one trying it first?”

  "How about curds and whey?"

  "That didn't work out for Miss Muffet. Besides, it's not part of my undiet."

  +++

  After Lou and I finished our folderol I yawned and went to bed. It had been a long but fun night. I think I went to sleep just after my head hit the pillow.

  I woke up the next morning one day closer to retirement, and one day closer to my first vacation in more years than I could count. I lay there in my bed, getting used to retirement. The sun was shining, which wasn't always a given in May. Sometimes the April showers were a little late. I turned over and smiled at the clock with the alarm I seldom set.

  Lou and I had planned to eat breakfast together, something we did more times than not. After Lou and I finished breakfast and we both returned home, I planned to call Mark, my yard boy and computer expert, to see when he could come over and teach me how to use a cell phone. I contemplated having Lou over at the same time, so that the two of us could learn together. But then the bad side of me thought of learning how to use my new phone, and then the next time Lou and I were together I would call him on his cell phone, and watch him fumble it as he tried to figure out how to answer it.

  I needed to change my attitude, so I picked up my Bible and began to read. Thirty minutes later, after running around in my shower without falling and using soap and shampoo to mask any body odors, I called Lou to see if he was ready to head to breakfast and to discuss the changes that would soon invade our new world. A few minutes later I pulled up in front of Lou's apartment building and he bounded out. He had his cell phone up to his ear, as if he had already learned how to use it. I laughed at his gesture and he did, too. He got in, sat down, and buckled his seatbelt, then turned to me, since I was on to his charade.

  "Too bad the touring company didn't give us our cell phones."

  I gave him a puzzled look.

  "I mean if they did, I could have read the one hundred pages on how to use my new phone, and I could have called Thelma Lou and whispered some sweet nothings."

  "You mean you never learned how to do that with your old phone?"

  "Yeah, I did and I do, but there's something about a boy and his new toy."

  In a weak moment I shared with him my plans to get Mark to teach us how to use our new phones and to find out from him if our laptops worked the same way as our desktops.

  +++

  "So, what do you think, Lou?"

  "I agree with Columbus. I think the world is round."

  "Yeah, it's your head that's flat. So, what do you think?"

  "Think about what?"

  "The trip, of course."

  "It doesn't look too bad, considering someone else planned all this and paid for it, and we have to go along with the crowd. And part of the time we get to do whatever we good and well please."

  "I'm not sure about traveling on a bus with a bunch of old women."

  "It might not be too bad, as long as your next-door neighbor isn't one of those women."

  I looked at him and smiled.

  "You mean she's going?"

  "If she does, I won't be. They'll have me up for murdering George, because she isn't going to find out from me that we're going somewhere."

  "Compared to some trips, this one might be pretty good. Last night one of the guys told me that some of them wanted to send us on a trip where we would be off to a new place every morning, long before daylight."

  "Well, if they had done that, they would have had to carry me out of
the motel each morning."

  "Maybe they would have let you sleep on the bus each night."

  "Speaking of trips, I've just thought of a way to get even with George. Mark, my yard boy and computer expert, knows enough about technology that he make people look like they are in a place when they're not really there."

  "You thinking of getting him to create a picture of George in the arms of your next-door neighbor and send it to George's wife?"

  "I wouldn't want the woman to keel over after she opens the envelope and sees the world's ugliest woman. Instead I was thinking of creating a portfolio of pictures, with "Your South Seas Island Adventure" on the cover. When he opens it, he will see the word Itinerary on an otherwise blank page. When he turns to the next page, one of the photos will be of George in a large pot with a lot of cannibals dancing around. But enough about George. What do you think?"

  "I always wanted to see George potted."

  "I mean about the trip."

  "I think it might be fun. And I think we need to make up our minds to enjoy it, even when we go to that amusement park. Maybe we should ride a rollercoaster for the first time. You know we never did that as boys. Maybe now is our time to be boys. The only thing we ever did that most boys did growing up was spend time in our tree house, and we didn't even build it."

  "Good thing, too. I wouldn't want to be off the ground in anything you or I built."

  6