Pink Flamingoed Read online

  +++

  Brad turned out his lights and dashed to the phone to call Amy.

  “Amy,” he whispered.

  “Why are you whispering, Brad?”

  “Just as a precaution, I guess.”

  “Do I need to whisper, too?”

  “It wouldn’t hurt any. The suspects are probably in front of your house right now.”

  “The suspects. You mean whoever drew the envelope with the ‘X?’”

  “That’s right. And I think I know who they are.”

  “Brad, are you sure you haven’t written too many whodunits?”

  “No. I was standing at my front door when I noticed a couple of shadows hit the ground right in front of my porch.”

  “Don’t tell me it’s Harry and Ethel?”

  “Okay, I won’t tell you then. What made you guess Harry and Ethel?”

  “Well, the only other possibility on our side of the street would be the Armbrusters, and I can’t see the kids letting Scott and Nancy get away to do something like this without them tagging along.”

  “You’ll make a Sherlock Holmes yet.”

  “I owe it all to reading The Mystery of the Thirteenth Suspect.”

  “So, you really did read the book I gave you.”

  “I told you I did.”

  “Listen, Dr. Watson, would you like to have some fun with our elusive shadows?”

  “I’m not sure. Is it anything that might get us arrested?”

  “Not that I know of. Ever since Rachel sent Harry and Ethel those cell phones for Christmas, Harry has always kept his in his pocket. Right?”

  “Yeah, and I think I know where you’re going with this.”

  “Right, but wait until I give you the signal. We’re not sure where they’re going with the bird. Are your downstairs lights off or on?”

  “They’re off. I’m upstairs.”

  “Can you get back downstairs real quick without turning on any lights?”

  “I think so. I might break a few toes in the process, but I can try.”

  “Be a trooper and do that, and hurry. First, we’ll make sure that neither of us is the intended victim. If not, Harry and Ethel will either pass our houses or head across the street. As soon as we figure out where they’re going, give Harry a call on his cell phone. Okay?”

  “Okay, Mr. Holmes.”

  “Are you downstairs yet?”

  “I’m on my way.”

  “Okay, I’ll look out and see if I see them. Yeah, there they are now. It looks like they’re headed across the street. Can you see them yet?”

  “Now, I can.”

  “Okay, let’s hang up, and when you see them get ready to leave the bird somewhere, give Harry a call. I want to see how high that man can jump.”

  Brad and Amy hung up. Both of them continued to watch Harry and Ethel. Neither Harry nor Ethel had any idea that their tiptoeing made them more obvious than if they walked normally. Ethel carried the flamingo next to her side toward the street, so that no one on the other side of the street would suspect anything.

  Harry and Ethel slowed down as they neared Allison’s house. Harry caught up with Ethel and whispered something in her ear. Ethel shook her head “no.” Then Harry whispered something else. Just after Harry whispered to Ethel, both of them eased to the ground and began to crawl. Inch by inch, they made their way across Allison’s yard toward the front porch. All of the lights in Allison’s house were turned off. Just as they were about to stop, Harry jumped and reached for his pocket.

  Harry took the phone from his pocket, pushed a button and said, “Not now, Rachel. This isn’t a good time.”

  “Just who is Rachel,” said the female voice on the other end of the phone. “Don’t tell me you’re two-timing me, handsome.”

  The word “handsome” sent chills up and down Harry’s spine. Evidently, someone had found out that Harry was “handsome.” Harry did not recognize the voice on the other end of the phone, but did not think it sounded like Melanie. Evidently, someone had found out his secret identity. Harry had heard of hackers, but he was not sure what they were. Suddenly, Harry was not only scared of being caught by Allison, but began to think of all kinds of scary things. Had the woman on the other end of the line managed to transfer all of the money he had in the bank to another account?

  Ethel tapped Harry on the shoulder. Harry jumped higher this time. His stomach lifted at least an inch off the ground.

  “Don’t scare me like that, Ethel,” Harry whispered.

  “Who was that, Harry?”

  “I don’t know, Ethel. A wrong number, I think.”

  “Well, put your phone back in your pocket. I don’t want to stay here until we get caught.”

  Suddenly Harry’s thoughts changed from all the money he had in the world back to the twenty dollars he would lose if they were caught.

  “Well, what are you waiting for, Ethel. Stick that thing in the ground and let’s get out of here.”

  Ethel jabbed the flamingo into the ground, and she and Harry tiptoed quickly across the street to their own home. As Harry and Ethel reached their own yard, Harry’s phone rang again.

  “How did you find out who I was?” Harry asked, as soon as he pushed the button.

  “I saw what you did and I know who you are, and now I am coming after you,” whispered a man’s voice on the other end of the phone.

  Harry raced into the house, shut the door quickly, locked it, and turned out the lights.

  “Harry, let me in!” Ethel hollered.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Ethel. I thought you were ahead of me,” Harry said, as he let Ethel in and quickly relocked the door.

  “Who was that, Harry?”

  “Another wrong number.”

  “Do you think it was the same person each time?”

  “No, the first one was a woman and the second one was a man.”

  Harry quickly told Ethel about the phone calls without revealing anything about his secret e-mail identity. Fear crossed Ethel’s face, but she did her best to hide it from Harry.

  +++

  Brad’s phone rang.

  “Hello, Dr. Watson,” Brad answered.

  “How did you know it was me?”

  “Now, who else would it be?”

  “Well, Harry thought I was Rachel.”

  Brad and Amy took turns telling each other how each of them had frightened Harry, but little did they know that they had frightened Harry and Ethel more than they imagined.

  +++

  Ethel arose early the next morning and sneaked out of the house before Harry woke up. A basket of nerves, she failed to look at the pink flamingo in Allison’s yard as she headed up the street to Frank and Cora’s. Cora answered the door and saw that something was troubling her friend.

  “Come in, Ethel. What’s wrong?”

  “Cora, if I asked you a question, would you be willing to tell me the truth?”

  “Well, of course, Ethel. You know I would.”

  “Cora, do you think it’s possible that Harry might be seeing another woman?”

  “Harry? You’re kidding! Who’d want him? I’m sorry, Ethel. I didn’t mean that. Well, I did, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. What makes you think that Harry has a woman on the side?”

  “Well, last night Harry and I were out getting rid of the flamingo.”

  “Oh, so, one of you got the ‘X.’”

  “I did, but right now I’d rather talk about Harry. Anyway, we were just about to place it in Allison’s yard when Harry’s cell phone rang. I couldn’t make out the conversation, but Harry told me it was a woman and she called him handsome and said something about him two-timing her.”

  Cora interrupted. “She called Harry handsome? Sounds to me like one of the inmates at the asylum had late phone privileges.”

  “I’m serious about this, Cora.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Just let me finish, Cora. Just as we got back to the house some man called and he said he knew who H
arry was and he was coming after Harry. Cora, I’m scared. I think Harry’s been seeing another woman and her husband found out about it and now he’s coming over here to get Harry. You should’ve seen how quickly Harry locked the door and turned out the lights. I could tell that he was scared.”

  “Well, what did Harry say about the calls?”

  “He told me that both of them were wrong numbers. He was awfully scared for it to be a wrong number.”

  “Well, the woman did call Harry handsome, and the man did threaten him. I’d be scared too if a couple of loonies called me.”

  “I don’t think they were loonies, Cora.”

  “They must’ve been if they called Harry. Anyway, don’t worry about it. I doubt if Harry’s seeing another woman. Besides, I bet they were just wrong numbers and Harry was just scared because he was afraid he was going to get caught and be out some money.”

  “I thought of that, too, but after Harry went to bed last night, I was looking around on the computer desk and guess what I saw.”

  “What?” Cora asked, as she inched toward her friend with growing interest.

  “I found out that Harry’s got two e-mail addresses.”

  “Ethel, having two e-mail addresses is not illegal. There’s a lot of difference between that and having two wives, or a wife and a girlfriend. Lots of people have two e-mail addresses,” Cora said, a little disappointed that she had not heard something juicier.

  “Maybe so, but lots of people don’t use the name ‘handsome’ on their secret one.”

  “Harry calls himself ‘handsome?’ Well, they say that the biggest liars are on the Internet. I wouldn’t worry about it, Ethel. I’m sure Harry has a logical reason for doing this.”

  “Do you really think so, Cora? Remember, the woman on the phone called him handsome.”

  “Well, I mean Harry has a reason that sounds logical to him.”

  Both women laughed and Cora continued talking to Ethel until she felt that Ethel was no longer worried about Harry.

  +++

  Harry woke up, saw that Ethel was not in bed next to him, and hollered for her. There was no answer, so he got out of bed and searched the house. When he saw that Ethel was nowhere to be found, he figured she had gotten up early and was either working in the garden or talking to one of their neighbors.

  Suddenly, Harry remembered the events of the night before. He looked out the window and saw that the pink flamingo was exactly as Ethel had left it. Then, Harry remembered the phone calls from the night before.

  What if someone’s kidnapped Ethel?

  Then Harry remembered his money. He frantically searched for the phone number for the bank, found it, and picked up the phone. Five minutes later, Harry was relieved to find out that his account had exactly the amount of money he remembered was in it, and the bank assured Harry that his money was safe. Then he hung up the phone and waited to see if Ethel returned or if he would receive a phone call demanding a ransom.

  +++

  A little after nine o’clock Allison wheeled out on her front porch and saw the flamingo. She laughed, and even felt a little special knowing that someone thought enough of her to make her the first recipient. Allison could not wait to tell Chuck about it. Also, she could not wait until dark, because Allison knew who was going to receive a pink flamingo present. Allison left the flamingo in her yard all day. Before noon, everyone knew the whereabouts of the plastic pink yard ornament.

  +++

  Ethel did her best to try to talk Harry out of spending the night on the porch, but to no avail. Harry’s insistence on sleeping on the front porch made Ethel think back to the night before. He says it’s so no one will leave that monstrosity in our yard, but I wonder if it’s really that he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed with me anymore, because he has another woman. What if he’s doing this so he can sneak out in the middle of the night to meet her? I don’t know what I’d do if I caught him kissing someone else.

  Ethel worried so much that she almost called Cora, but refrained from doing so. Anyway, Ethel knew what Cora would tell her if she called. Maybe Cora was right. Maybe no other woman would want Harry.

  +++

  “Aiiiiiiiiiii! Aiiiiiiiiiii! Aiiiiiiiiiii!”

  The blood-curdling screams woke Ethel. She could tell the screams were coming from the front porch. Immediately, Ethel thought of the woman she thought Harry was seeing and that woman’s husband. Had one of them come to kill Harry?

  Ethel threw on her housecoat, ran to the front door, unlocked it, and looked at the screaming, frightened man who lay in front of her holding a pink flamingo in the crook of his arm. She turned away so Harry would not see the smile on her face. Ethel wondered if Harry still felt that Allison was helpless, but knew it was not the time to ask.

  By the time Ethel had dressed, everyone on the street had heard Harry’s screams and knew that the bird had changed residences. Amy ran back home to get her camera and managed to snap a couple of photographs before Harry noticed what she was doing. She had already sold six 11x14s before she took the film to have it processed. Ethel secretly bought two copies, one for herself and one to send to Rachel.

  Depressed Harry failed to check his e-mail the entire day. If he had checked it, he would have read one inquiring about his new pet and asking him if he had named it yet and another one that was supposed to have come from Acme Warehouse offering him a job as their night watchman.

  +++

  Allison received as many phone calls as Harry received e-mails. Everyone called to congratulate her on her successful mission behind enemy lines.

  “Alli, this is Amy. Your line has been busy for an hour.”

  “Yeah, I know. Everyone has called to get the details on my conquest of Harry.”

  “Now, it’s my turn. Tell me all about it.”

  “Well, I had planned on taking the pink guy to the Armbruster kids, but when I saw Harry asleep on his front porch, I couldn’t resist.”

  “My, you’re a brave one. So, tell me more.”

  “I took my motorized chair, since I knew there was no way I could push the chair with two hands and hold on to the bird. So, after I spotted Sir Snoralot, I zipped across the street and up the ramp Harry provided for just such an occasion.”

  “Did you have any trouble getting your chair over to where Harry was?”

  “No, the porch is wide enough. Anyway, I eased over to Harry, repositioned his arm so he could hold on to the little guy, stuck it in the crook of his arm, leaned over and kissed him on his bald head, and took off.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “I sure did.”

  “Have you told Chuck yet?”

  “I called him the first thing this morning. He was so proud of me.”

  “Yeah, but what about poor Harry? He’ll probably have to start seeing a psychiatrist.”

  “You mean he isn’t seeing one already.”

  “Are you kidding? Harry doesn’t see anyone he can’t see for free. Well, I guess I’d better go so Miss Popular can be free to receive her next phone call.”

  “I guess you’d better. CNN did say they’d call back.”

  +++

  While no one but Ethel dared to speak to Harry that day, Harry knew that all of them were secretly celebrating the fact that Allison had gotten the best of him and that he would soon be out twenty dollars. Along about the middle of the afternoon, Harry came up with a plan, a plan to get revenge on the whole neighborhood.

  Special Delivery

  Brad walked out on to his front porch. As he stood enjoying the nice weather, he looked up and saw Barney heading from his house. Brad could not remember the last time he saw a pair of pencil-thin white legs. He was sure he had seen them, but this was the first time he had seen a pale-legged older man wearing a pair of red socks. With his red shorts, white legs, and red socks, Barney resembled a peppermint stick. His red-and-white striped shirt made him more obvious.

  Brad sat down on his porch swing and continued to watch. Barney hopped
into his candy apple red 1949 Buick convertible, backed out of his driveway, and pulled up in front of Bertha’s house. Bertha must have known Barney was coming, because she opened the door and rushed to meet him. Bertha was so quick that Barney barely had time to open his door and get around to her side of the car in time to open the door for her.

  Brad smiled as he thought of the sexagenarian twosome. Upon reaching the car, Bertha had probably called Barney Sweet Pea and more than likely he responded with another affectionate term, possibly Lotus Blossom or Sweet Petunia.

  Barney drove toward the park. The car was almost going fast enough for the wind to mess with Bertha’s hair. Almost, but not quite. Barney drove into the park entrance. In a few minutes, his car exited the park and trudged up the street. An incredulous look crossed Brad’s face when the car continued up the street, stopped at the corner, and turned. Seldom did Barney leave Aylesford Place.

  Brad smiled. He wondered where Barney and Bertha had gone. Not wanting to arouse false hopes, Brad vowed to keep his discovery a secret. Neighbors would suspect that the romantic duo had eloped or gone to get a marriage license. Somehow, Brad did not think that even Barney would elope in that getup.

  Brad decided to call Amy, anyway.

  “Hey, guess who just left the street?”

  “Did Harry move out? Was getting the pink flamingo too much for him?”

  “No, nothing like that. Guess again.”

  “I don’t know. Did the swallows return to Capistrano?”

  “No, but the lovebirds have flown the coop.”